Split Second
by ercarterfan
Summary: A split second is all it takes for life to change forever. It's that split second that catches us when we least expect it and can cause a pain that may never go away.
1. Default Chapter

**Split Second**

**A/N: **This is as of right now a stand alone single chapter story, can't decide if I want to add more to it or not. It's been hanging out on my computer for awhile as I couldn't decide what to do with it, but give a read and let me know what you think.

_Disclaimer: The usual don't own them, don't claim to own them, and really I don't want to own them. Just borrowing them for a little bit of personal pleasure and flexing my imagination._

The squeal of tires on the pavement fills the late Chicago air is followed by the sound of metal being crushed. Then all is quiet as silence fills the air as a life is instantly snuffed out, the flame of life that once flickered in the body is gone. Quick, painless, not realized, no human suffering, that's how we all hope that it will be. The silence is quickly broken by the hospital staff being alerted now to the accident that has taken place just outside the safety of its ambulance bay. A quiet night shift in the ER has been shattered now as a seasoned doctor and young resident run for the mangled and twisted wreckage of what had once been a car. Horror fills the face of the young resident when she realizes that it is one of their own in the car. An old friend, trusted confidant, and mentor lays broken not fully resembling the person that they once were. How could yet another tragedy befall them? Surely they had all had their fair share of hurt and anguish over the past few months, but now as she looks upon the body, she realizes that loss is something that strikes when you least expect it, that life begins and ends in the blink of an eye.

"Carter!" She shouts from the side of the car that she is standing on.

"What?" Is the response that she gets as he doesn't have the precious luxury of time to look away from his patient. Afraid that if he does in that blink of an eye the patient will bleed to death.

Abby realizes that there is nothing that she can do for the patient that is on her side of the car. She frantically now runs to the other side to see if she can help him, to prevent another loss from happening right under their noses.

"Oh god," She said getting around to the other side of the car. It's another familiar face, how could this be happening to them. She leans in to help Carter in an attempt to save another life, to keep a family together, a family that is broken and now missing a member but the death that has happened that they couldn't prevent was going to be the only one that happened tonight if Abby could help it.

They worked and got the patient free from the car. Running now as fast as they could safely go they headed inside the ER and into a trauma room. Neither doctor taking the time to actually put on trauma gowns. They didn't think that they had the time to spare right now; stabilizing their patient was their priority.

Twenty minutes later they had their patient on the elevator and headed up to surgery. They looked at each other. Carter looked at Abby remember something the patient had said to him several years ago when he had first switched from his surgical residency to his ER residency. "Abby we got our patient onto the elevator alive we have done our jobs as ER physicians."

Abby looked at him now, "and I am supposed to feel good about that?"

"That's all we can do right now. There are some things that we can't control." Carter said softly to her putting his arm around Abby as they headed outside for a breath of air.

Carter held onto Abby now as his tears started to fall. The realization of the situation hit him full on. That was an old friend that he had sent up to the OR. That was a friend that was no longer with them. It seemed to hit home harder when it was someone that you knew rather than a total stranger. You got used to seeing people come in, broken and battered being the only ones that could help but when it was a friend it was not something that you could forget.

"Dr. Lockhart, you are needed in the ER." Susan called from the Ambulance bay doors, "your patient in exam 2 is crashing."

Abby let go of Carter. "I'm sorry I have to go." She said looking at him. From deep inside of her what few words of wisdom she had came out, "we save those that we can Carter, but we can't save the world."

She slowly backed away from him now and headed inside. Carter watched not sure what to do. He had known Carol since he first started at County. They had become friends over the six years that she was working their, watching her relationship with Doug blossom and grow, being yelled at to get out of the room when she came in, in labor with the twins.

Carter walked back inside now. Morris and a medical student that he didn't recognize were standing at the desk.

"Enie menie minie moe, stick that tag upon the toe." Morris laughed a little now.

Carter's face went white when he heard that. He looked at Morris now with a look of horror and distaste on his face. "That is so uncalled for." He snapped now. "What if I had been that patient's family?"

"You're not Carter." he said no tone of indifference in his voice.

"God Morris that's not the point." He said looking at him now; there was almost a small glint of hatred in his eyes.

"Chill out Carter." he told him.

"That happens to be Carol Hathaway Ross." Carter said snapping now, "and she is family, a part of the ER family and if you can't respect that maybe you shouldn't be working in medicine anymore."

Morris eyes went wide as Carter said that to him, unsure of how to respond some of his cockiness fading a little, "I'm sorry Carter, I didn't know."

"That's right you didn't know, keep it up Morris and you will no longer be working here, you're a resident now act like it." Carter turned and headed up towards the SICU, he wanted to know if Doug was out of surgery, doubting it, but he felt this need to be the one to tell him about Carol. He didn't want it to come from a stranger but rather from a friend. Someone who could feel something, know the loss that he was going through right now.

_..Earlier that evening…_

"Doug come on we're going to be late."

"I'm moving, hold your horses Carol, we're not that far from County. We have plenty of time," was the response that she received back.

"I don't want to be late." She called throwing on her scrubs for work.

"You're not going to be late. If you're late then I am late." He said straightening his tie for the third time. "And I am not late."

"You're late." She said walking up behind him wrapping her arms around his waist. Carol softly kissed Doug's cheek, "so let's get a move on it, you look fine Doug."

"Mmm," Doug said kissing the top of her head, "you make wanting to go to work difficult now."

"Move it Ross." She said pulling away from him heading for the kitchen table where she picked up her car keys tossing them in her hand slightly, "I don't want to be later than we already are."

"I'm driving dearest." He said picking up his coat from the back of their couch.

"No you are not there speed racer." She said smiling at him, "I'm driving and there will be no if and's or but's about it either." She turned for the door as she pulled her coat on, "you drive to fast."

They headed out into the coldness of the Chicago night, both working tonight, being the low men on the totem pole once again at a hospital that in the past they had both worked at, meant a lot of night shifts, but the two of them didn't seem to mind. Neither of them seemed to think much about the so far uneventful night time commute. Bantering casually back and forth between themselves and their daughters were safely tucked in and sleeping at their grandmothers. Carol liked being back in Chicago, close to her family and with friends again.

Seattle had its plus's. Doug had a good job there and they had a house where the girls had a back yard to play in, but Carol had missed her family. It had given them the chance to start over again with out burnt bridges. She was impressed with how Doug had managed to smooth things over somewhat with Kerry Weaver and obtain a job once again with County, but then, he had changed over the 4 years that they had spent in Seattle.

They had been married now for a little over 2 years, something that neither one of them thought would ever happen. But their desire, the everlasting love, that they had for each other finally managed to overcome all the obstacles that had been put in their paths. They had always known that they were meant to be together, soul-mates with a connection that ran deeper than love itself. If there were ever two people who were meant to be together it were Doug and Carol.

Yet how fragile human life truly is, for the two people who were destined to be together, were separated in the blink of an eye, the split second that no one thinks that the will encounter. The car came out of nowhere when she turned to head into the parking garage, almost to the safety of their home away from home. Yet in that second two lives were forever altered, and many more touched, wounded, hurt by the loss of a friend, a mother, lover and wife.


	2. Wait and See

_A/N: I finally somewhat decided what I wanted to do with this and that it needed some more added to it. So here's the second chapter of split second. Please if you read give it a review, tell me if you like it or you don't like it. It's the only way I can improve as a writer._

**Wait and See**

Carter hadn't left the SICU now for hours. Doug was still unconscious from the surgery. Still unaware as far as they knew that Carol had been killed in the accident. He felt that he should be the one to tell him. Something told him inside that it would be better coming from a friend, someone that Doug knew rather than a stranger in the SICU.

The hours slowly passed by nothing changing. Carter had periodically walked down putting his head into the room where Doug was still lying unaware of the world around him. As much as he wanted Doug to wake up, he didn't know yet just how to tell him the news. He thought that it might just be best to come straight out and tell him depending on just what Doug remembered about what had happened.

"Carter?" He heard a voice behind him and turned to see Abby standing there.

"Hey Abby." Carter replied back, his voice flat, lacking emotion and showing just how tired he really was.

Abby put her hand on his shoulder trying to be there for him. "How's he doing?"

"The same," Carter said, "he is still unconscious and hasn't woke up yet from the surgery."

"You should get some sleep John." Abby said looking at him. She was worried about him, the black circles were starting to form under his eyes and she could tell that exhaustion and worry were starting to take its toll on him.

"Maybe later." Carter said as his eyes drifted down the hallway back towards Doug's room as if someone was going to come walking out of there and tell them that this was nothing more than a nightmare. But he knew that this was more than a nightmare. Doug was going to wake up into a living hell, "I want to be the one that tells him," his voice was shaky as he spoke, "he deserves to hear it from a friend."

Abby nodded understanding what he was saying, but it didn't ease her worries, "I understand, but you won't do anyone any good if you drop from exhaustion, it's been a long hard day."

Carter rolled his eyes at her now, "he'll wake up soon and I know that he will."

Abby had to admire the strength that Carter was exhibiting and the faith that he seemed to have right now, "I'm sure that if you lay down for a few minutes that someone will come and get you if he wakes up." She had to look at this from a stand point outside the realm of it being a friend that was lying in that bed right now.

Carter had to admire her persistence about this. She seemed to be genuinely concerned about him. But she was his friend and that was probably the only reason that she was. "I'll be okay Abby."

"I know you will." Her voice was softer with him than it had been in a long time, granted they were just friends, and shaky friends at that. But it didn't change the way that she had always felt about him. She cared in her own way about him and it was times like these when you needed all the friends that you could get.

Carter was stubborn and Abby after knowing him for so long knew that. He had shown it on more than one occasion and she knew that it was going to take some brain power and muscle to get him to budge from his SICU vigil. She just stood there for a minute silent as she tried to figure out how she was going to accomplish at least getting him to sit down for a few minutes.

"John, why don't we get a cup of coffee, sit down for a few minutes over here?" She pointed towards the waiting room chairs. "I will make sure that they come and get us if anything changes, it's just some coffee."

Carter's face shows that he is thinking about it but that he's just not convinced that he should go anywhere even if it is just over there. He wouldn't be able to see Doug's room, he might have been being overly protective in a way right now and extremely stubborn but he couldn't help it. What had happened today had gotten to him, shaken him more than he thought that it would.

"Why Abby?" Carter asked her, "why them?"

"No one will ever know the answer to that one Carter." Abby said back giving him a soft gentle glance she could see the stress written all over his face.

"We think that we are safe here, that nothing happens inside the bays, we fix other people when they come in from accidents." Carter said softly looking down at the ground.

"I know John, but it doesn't just happen to other people, the fact is that it happens to all of us whether we want it to or not." She is very worried about him now and knows that she needs to get him to sit down before he falls down.

Abby puts her hand against the small of Carter's back and just unrelenting guides him over to the chairs before getting them both cups of hot coffee. She sat down next to Carter handing one over to him. "Here this will help some." She said.

Abby knew that he probably needed to eat too, but right now she really didn't feel like pushing her luck with him. She'd go down to the cafeteria or across the street in a little bit and bring him back something to eat. For now just the fact that he was sitting down at not wearing a hole in the SICU carpeting was a good sign.

The staff new that Carter was waiting for Doug to wake up and that he needed to be the one to tell him, Abby made sure that the nurse at the SICU desk new that. She watched Carter's eyes start to flutter back and forth nearly going shut more than once. She stood up walking behind the chair that he was sitting in and started to rub his shoulders. His head dropped once, she just kept rubbing, and she knew that she was lulling the doctor to sleep. Then his head dropped a second time, this time it didn't move and she could hear the gentle sounds of Carter sleeping. Mission accomplished now it was just a matter of the wait and see game. They had to wait to see if Doug was going to come out of the coma he was in and see if they could all recover from the loss of their friend.


	3. Lost

**Lost **

Carter woke up three hours after he had fallen asleep in the chair. He looked around the room, Abby was sitting flipping through a magazine not that far from where he was sitting.

"Did you have a nice nap?" She asks him looking up over the top of the magazine.

"Yeah," Carter replied back stretching as he tried to get the kinks out from sleeping awkwardly in the chair.

"That's good." Abby replies back, "you needed it."

"Says you." Carter bantered back trying to keep the conversation between them light for a few seconds.

"Yeah says me." Abby gives him a small smile, "you were pretty tired there and I knew a nap wasn't going to hurt you."

"Any news?" Carter had to ask.

Abby solemnly shook her head, "sorry nothing yet." She gave him a soft look now feeling for him, "he's still in a coma."

Carter looked down now, "has Helen come up with the girls?"

"The stopped by for a few minutes. She thought that it might be good for the girls to see that their dad was, well not okay but still alive." Abby paused for a minute, "they didn't' stay long they were all pretty tired. I told Helen that I would call them if he woke up and wanted to see the girls."

"I'm sure he will want to see them when he wakes up." Carter said now standing up from the chair.

Abby looked at him for a minute, "I'm sure that he will too, but there was no need for them all to be sitting around here sleeping in chairs. As much as I hate to say it or even think it, we don't' know how long he's going to be out. The girls should be at home in their own beds after the shock of today."

"Yeah you're right." Carter said as he started to walk down the hallway, "I'm just going to go check on him again."

Abby stood up and followed him. She knew that he was going to go back into his vigil again. Not wanting for Doug to get the bad news alone.

Carter pushed the door to the room open and crossed over. His eyes falling onto the monitors that were connected to Doug. He was holding his own and doing okay. He just hadn't woken up yet. It should just be a matter of time and that would happen, but the waiting game was starting to wear on Carter even though he had taken a nap.

Then there it was a flutter of movement from Doug's eye lids. As if they were trying to open but someone was holding them shut. Carter went over to the side of the bed and picked Doug's hand up into his.

"Doug," Carter said, "if you can hear me squeeze my hand." Carter waited and watched there was no moment in the hand that he was holding onto. "Doug, come on squeeze my hand." Carter waited surely he would do it, but there was no response from Doug. The hand remained motionless.

Carter was nervous surely he had seen Doug's eyes move. He tried to keep his mind from going to that point where Doug was seriously injured worse than what they had originally thought. The x-rays didn't show any spinal damage that he knew about, but then there might have been more to this than that. Maybe Doug just wasn't all the way awake enough to hear him or he was on the wrong side, he moved around to the other side of the bed where Abby was standing. "Doug," he said as he picked up the right hand. "Squeeze my hand." He commanded.

There it was, a small movement, but it was enough to encourage Carter, Doug was still in there and he was waking up heading for the land of the living. Carter looked over at Abby now with a hint of a smile on his face, yet sadness in his eyes. "He moved."

"That's good." Abby said looking down at the battered body on the bed. It was a miracle that he hadn't been killed in the accident. But the brunt of the damage had been to the other side of the car. However Abby was thrilled that he had moved, it was a good sign that he was indeed still with them.

They stood there watching and waiting now, it would probably take Doug awhile to wake up all the way and Carter was still concerned about the lack of moment on the left side of Doug's body. There were a few things that it could have been and time was the only thing that would let them know what was wrong with him.

Carter just sat there waiting in the room now, Abby had gone. She said that he needed to eat and that she was going to go and get him something so that he didn't have to leave. She wouldn't have been able to get him to leave if she had tried to physically pull him out of the room, and that was something that she knew.

The hands on the clock seemed to have stopped moving now as time passed ever so slowly, ten minutes finally became fifteen, turning into thirty and finally an hour. He had never seen time pass so slowly before. Part of it was because he desperately wanted to make sure that Doug was alright and that they hadn't lost two friends because of some idiot.

Carter looked over at Doug now, his eyes were fluttering. Doug was either trying to wake up or he was having a dream. The monitors didn't show any signs of distress so he had to have been trying to wake up.

Doug's eyes finally make it all the way open and he's lying there looking over at Carter with an almost blank expression on his face as if he's not fully sure of where he is at. He looks almost as if he is lost in a way.

"Hey Doug," Carter says looking down at his friend, "you are in the SICU at County." He starts to tell him a little more about the situation hoping that it would put Doug a little more at ease. "You were in a car accident on your way in tonight down in the bay."

Doug looks at Carter his eyes changing from the look of being lost to a look of hurt and sadness as if with out Carter telling him about the events of earlier he already knew where this conversation was going. Doug looked up at Carter with wide eyes, eyes that held sadness, hurt, confusion and a grief that could not be described with words. "Carol."


	4. Heartache

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews, here's the next chapter I am trying to update as often as I can._

Chapter 4: Heartache

Carter wasn't sure what to say to him now. From the look on Doug's face it was almost as if he already knew. Though the silence that was coming from Carter right now was also a good indication that something bad happened. Carter was thinking about what to say, wanting to get the words right, this wasn't just another patient that he needed to tell this was a friend.

"Carol was hurt very badly in the accident Doug." Carter said looking at him, "we tried everything that we could but her injuries were very severe."

"Was she scared Carter?" Doug remembered very little of the accident, he honestly didn't remember even being in the accident.

Carter took a deep breath before saying anything, "no Doug it happened pretty fast. I don't think she was scared, and I don't think she was in any pain."

The next thing that popped into his mind was that he might have been driving, that this was his fault. "Was I driving?"

"No Doug, Carol was." Carter said, it appeared that Doug was remembering very little of the accident, he'd have to tell him about it more than he wanted to.

"Carol was." Doug repeated back as if he was trying to force a memory back.

"Yeah she was Doug." Carter replied back to him. "You were hit just outside the ambulance bay."

Doug just looked at Carter; his expression was completely blank, as if the life had been sucked right out of him. He was in shock. That much he could feel but nothing else. He didn't know what to say now. The only concern was for that of his two children, "the girls?"

"Helen took them both back to her house. We told her we would call her when you woke up so that she could bring them back if you wanted to see them." Carter said.

There were tears forming in his eyes now as he realized that he would be spending the rest of his life alone, that his children, his beautiful girls, were going to grow up with out their mother. Reality was sinking in for him. His heart ached like it had never ached before. His wife was gone.

"Yeah I would like to see them." He sniffled out, "what time is it Carter?"

"A little after seven am now." Carter said. "You've been out most of the night."

Doug was silent again for a minute. Little pieces of the evening were starting to come back to him now. He remembered that he and Carol were working the night shift together and they had been on their way into work. They were scheduled at seven last night, and he remembered Carol being so worried that they were going to be late. Their conversation in his head. Yet he couldn't remember them in the car or even anywhere near County right now. The last thing he remembered was kissing Carol after opening the car door for her so they could drive into work. But he didn't remember them getting into the accident. Hard as he may try Doug couldn't' remember the accident. He also knew that with time the memories would come back and sooner or later he would have to deal with them. He had other things that he needed to focus on right now.

Carter just looked at him knowing that this all hard to be hard on Doug. "Do you want me to call Helen?"

Doug just nodded there wasn't much else that he could do right now. He wanted to see his girls to hold onto them, to have them near him. His world was tumbling down around him. As he lay in the bed he realized that he was now a single parent of two small girls. That his greatest love on earth was in heaven now and that nothing would be the same for him from this moment forward.


	5. Missing you

Chapter 5: Missing you

Helen brought Tess and Kate to see their father a few hours after Doug had woken up. She wanted to make sure that they were fed before taking them out again, both girls knew that something bad had happened but no one had fully explained it to them. They were anxious to see their Daddy and Helen had a hard time keep both girls from running through the hospital to get to him.

Doug held open his arms when both girls appeared in the doorway, he was tired and sore, but still managed to put a smile on his face for his two precious daughters. Relief swept over him when he saw that they were both indeed okay. Still not fully remembering everything from the accident the night before.

With Tess snuggling up on his left side and Kate snuggling up on his right, he gave both girls hugs and kissed the tops of their small heads. He never actually realized just how lucky he was to have them in his live until the moment when he thought that he had lost everything. With a sad expression on his face and a heavy heart he knew that he was going to have to try and explain to them what had happened. He never thought that he would have to give this kind of news to his own small children.

Carter was still there. He had been there all night keeping an eye on Doug as much as he was trying to keep Doug company, knowing that right now was not the time when he should be left alone. What he had to be going through right now, was a personal nightmare, and tossed carelessly into his own personal hell. While John knew what it was like to lose a brother, a grandmother, a child, and knew how hard the loss of a loved one was, he had no idea what it was like to lose the love of your life. To be left to wander through life alone with out the one person that you thought would always be there for you.

He just looked at Doug holding onto his girls, it was almost as if he was afraid to let go of them, that if he did they too would be gone in a blink of an eye just like Carol. The hard part was about to hit and Carter knew that. He stood up getting ready to leave and give Doug a few minutes alone with his twins.

"I'll be just down the hall if you need anything." Carter said, he felt bad, almost as if he was abandoning his friend, but he knew that Doug needed to be able to tell the girls with out having Carter hovering over him.

Doug just simply nodded, as if he knew why Carter was leaving and in a sense knew that he wouldn't be gone for long. All Doug would need to do was call and Carter would be right back where he had been all night.

Doug took a deep breath in just sitting there for a minute, almost uncertain of what to say. Sure he had talked with other kids when they had lost a parent. But these were not just any kids they were his kids. How did he begin to tell them the news? He was struggling with it.

He once again kissed each of their heads, formulating what he was going to say and everything that came to his head just didn't seem like what he wanted to say to them. Slowly and cautiously in a soft tone he finally began to speak to them.

"Tess, Kate, baby," He said keeping his tone soft with them having a hard time sucking up his own sadness, "you know that mommy and daddy were in a very bad accident last night right?"

Both girls looked up at him, "yes daddy," Tess was the first to speak of the two, then slowly but surely Kate answered yes to him.

"Can we see mommy?" Doug heard a very soft voice, nervous and anxious as him.

It took a minute for Doug to realize that it was Kate who was talking to him, for her voice was so soft and tiny in that giant sterile room that it was barely audible.

"No baby," he said softly, "we won't be able to go see mommy." He was choking back his own tears. Not that he didn't want the girls to see him cry, he needed them to know that it was okay to cry that right now more than ever it was okay to be sad.

Kate sat up a little and looked at him with wide eyes, unsure of why he would tell her that they couldn't go see mommy. All she knew, all that she had been told, was that they couldn't right now. "Why?" Was what she asked next, it was the question that every child asks a parent on a daily basis sometimes hundreds of times.

Doug tried hard to be able to tell them, trying to put this into words that his young daughters would understand. "Kate honey," he wasn't' sure that they were going to understand but he had to try, "Mommy was hurt very badly in the accident, the doctors tried everything that they could to help mommy, but she died." Doug paused for a minute, "she went to heaven and she can't' be here with us anymore."

That was a very simple explanation, he knew but sometimes the simplest of ones were the best to use. And right now there simply was no other way that he could think to tell them. He braced himself for what questions might come next.

"We can't see her anymore?" Tess asked looking at him awkwardly.

"No baby we can't," he replied softly as he pulled both of them back into him.

"She's gone forever?" Kate asked, "She's not just sleeping?"

"Yeah baby she's gone forever, she can't wake up." Doug said as he heard both girls start to softly cry. It was one of the saddest sounds, pulling at his already broken heart hearing his daughters, his sweet innocent children crying like that.

"I want mommy." Tess choked out from behind her tears.

"I know you do darlin', I miss her too." Doug said, "But it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry." He tried to reassure them now, "and it's okay to miss her."

He held both of his girls tight right now, as the four of them sat in the room, crying tears. Tess and Kate had lost their mother, Helen had lost her daughter, and Doug had lost his soul-mate and wife.


	6. If Only for a minute

_A/N: Sorry for the short chapter but I am finding this one really hard to write. I will keep working on it though, please let me know what you think!_

Chapter 6: If only for a minute.

Carter stood out in the hallway. He could hear the girls crying and knew instantly that Doug had told them the news. He stood there, wondering if he should go back in, but knew that wasn't his place. They needed some time together as family to grief for their loss.

He felt an arm on his shoulder and then heard the voice, "you okay John?"

Carter knew who the voice belonged to; there was only one person who it could belong to, "yeah Abby, I am." He responded back in a very monotone voice. He wasn't sure if he really was okay but for now that was the only thing that he knew to say.

"Why don't we go and get some coffee?" Abby asked softly knowing that he was lying to her.

"I told Doug that I would be here if he needed anything." Carter replied back his tone not changing.

"Come on they can page you if he needs anything." Abby said her arm on his back now as she guided him away from the room; she knew he needed to get out of this environment even if it was for just a minute.

Carter just nodded and let her lead him down the hallway feeling guilty that he was leaving Doug but knowing that Abby was right this time.

Abby hadn't seen him cry yet, he hadn't shed one tear that she knew of for their lost colleague and keeping that bottled up inside of him wasn't a good thing. She knew, he too, even though he might not want to admit it, even the great Dr. Carter needed to grieve.

Abby left word at the nurses' station that they were to page him if Dr. Ross needed anything before she took him down towards the cafeteria. She figured that it would be better than taking him across the street right now. Getting him to leave the floor was hard enough. They walked in silence now, Abby just trying her best to let him know that she was there for him if he wanted her to be, she'd be there for him even if he didn't want her to be.

This was hard on all of them right now. The entire staff was in shock over this. Carol had always been well liked and she worked hard. She was one of the best nurse's that County had, had, and her loss was like losing a cherished family member. She didn't know what to say to him right now, it was almost as if there was nothing to say. They got down to the cafeteria and she got him some coffee and some food. She knew that he needed to go and get some sleep her soon to, the short night was starting to take its toll on him and it showed. Carter had deep dark bags under his eyes and he was almost in a zombie like state as they sat down at one of the tables.

She glanced over at him periodically, just to make sure that he was indeed eating and drinking what she had placed in front of him. She was worried about him; one couldn't help but worry about him when he looked as he did. This was Carter at a low point. Not that they all hadn't hit a low point over the last twenty four hours as reality started to hit home for them. But there were few people at County left that remembered Carol, who had worked with her and Doug before. Kerry, Abby, Susan, Jerry and Carter were the only people who really had. Abby had been there when Tess and Kate were born, she had helped Carol bring them into the world. Carter had known Carol since the first day that he had started there as a medical student.

But it was Carter that had known both of them the longest, with the exception of Kerry who had known Doug while he was at Mount Sinai. They had worked together until Doug was forced to leave County after the unfortunate death of Riccki Abbot. Then shortly after that Carol packed up the girls and headed to Seattle to be with Doug. Now here they had come back to Chicago to be around friends and family and this happened.

It just didn't seem fair that two people so right for each other, who had gone through so much together, were now separated like this. Those two small girls would now have to grow up with out the mother who loved them more than life itself. They would all have to pull together and work through all of this as a family, for that's what they all were, the ER was a family. When one hurt they all hurt.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

The house seemed empty now, friends and family that had gathered filtered out in the now late afternoon hours. Tess and Kate had gone with their grandmother, but right now it seemed as if that was the last place that he wanted them to be. It was almost as if he was waiting for her to come walking through that door any minute now to tell him this was all a mistake that everything was fine.

He slowly walked now through the house, her things still where they had been left, untouched, almost holding some new sacredness to them. Moving them would be giving up, accepting the truth, even though today he had buried his wife that was the last thing that he wanted to do. He was torn between the cold harsh unforgiving reality that had in his eyes taken from him his life and the wishful thinking of his heart. Neither one he wanted to face, but knew that he would have to; he would have to for his girls.

He stood at the foot of the steps, running his hand over the deep mahogany woodwork that made up the banister that was there. His eyes looking over the living room, taking in everything as he never had before. He remembered the look on Carol's face when the first looked at the house, how excited she was about them moving back to Chicago. How this house reminded her of the one that they had shared in Seattle.

Seattle, his mind wandered back, where everything seemed to be so perfect, and now everything felt turned upside down, inside out. They never should have left Seattle, Doug should have put his foot down harder on them staying there rather than moving back here. If they hadn't moved back to Chicago, then they wouldn't have had the car accident, they wouldn't have been on their way into the bay, this wouldn't have happened. Things would have been different if he had been the one that had been driving, he should have been driving. He blamed himself for this. There were a million other ways that this could have played out, if he had just been tougher with her, this could have been avoided.

He found himself walking now up the stairs and into the bedroom, closing his eyes as he sat down on the bed, emotionally drained, tired from trying to put up this overly strong front for his friends, for his family. He could still feel her there, in that very room with him. See her walking across it, from the bedroom to their closet. Feel her fingers brushing against his arm as she passed by to get ready for one thing or another. Her soft smile and dark curly hair pulled back at the nape of her neck so that it wouldn't hang into her face while she worked.

Nothing more now than a memory, a cruel taunting memory. He'd never see that smile again, hear her laughter, and watch her lovingly guide their children. A single lone tear ran down his cheek, men didn't cry, he knew that, had been told that, it was a sign of weakness. Right now, with life alone in front of him, that was exactly how he felt, weak and alone. His arms ached for one more chance to hold her, to tell her that he loved her, words now that he felt that he hadn't said enough to her. Wanting more than ever the one thing that for so long he didn't think he could have, now something that he never could, everything else he had managed to make right, prove to her that Doug Ross was capable of change, and for what, none of it seemed to matter now, because this one act, he could never make right.

"You think he's going to be okay?" Abby asked as the black jeep navigated its way through the damp streets of Chicago.

"I don't Abby." Carter replied, his voice soft, almost despondent, not all the way there with her, but enough to be able to answer her.

"Are you going to be okay?" She asked now hearing his voice, watching him out of the corner of her eye as they drove along.

"I'm going to be fine." He said patting her leg as if that gesture along would be reassuring enough to convince her that he was going to be fine. In time, he and everyone else would be. It was just a hard thing to say goodbye to a friend that they had known for so long.

"I have no doubt in that." She replied back to him now, "what are you thinking about?"

"Nothing and everything." An honest answer, "I'm just paying attention to the traffic." While he was mostly numb right now and his mind wasn't thinking of much it was still thinking more than he wanted it too.

She didn't take her eyes off him, she couldn't do that right now, "I know it's hard John." Abby finally said breaking that little bit of silence that had filled the jeep, while Abby knew that there wasn't much that she could do other than be supportive, the silence wasn't a good thing either.

"Yeah it is." That was Carter's simple reply. He just didn't want to get into a conversation right now. But then there was no good time to have the conversation that he knew she was looking for.

She wasn't sure what to say next, how to approach this in a way that defenses wouldn't come up and she could almost foresee the walls coming up, and she wanted to make sure that those walls didn't come up, once they were up, it would be nearly impossible for her to get around them. She had too much experience with walls, "you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about right now Abby," Carter said his eyes focused upon the road nothing else right now, "this isn't the time or the place for us to have some deep meaning conversation."

There is was, the start of the wall, but he was right in a way this might not have been the best place to try and talk to him like that, at least not while he was driving. He did need to keep an eye on the road, and maybe in time, if he wanted or needed to talk he would trust enough in her to come to him. Abby needed to have faith that if Carter needed her, that he knew she was there, it was a hard thing to do, after everything that had happened between them over the past few years, but there came a point in everyone's life where you needed to close your eyes and jump and she had found herself at that point. She was just going to close her eyes and jump.


	8. Some wounds heal

**Chapter 8: Some wounds heal**

Six weeks had passed since Carol's funeral and Doug was struggling to get back on his feet again. His injuries from the car accident had healed enough that they were able to clear him to go back to work now. But while everything might have appeared fine on the outside there was more going on than what was skin deep.

The thought of packing everything up and going back to Seattle had crossed his mind but that would mean taking his girls away from their grandmother and right now that didn't seem fair to them. He'd do what needed to be done right now for the sake of his children rather than for his own happiness. Doug had always felt that his girls needed to come first, now more than ever with them trying to grasp the reality that they had all found themselves in, living without Carol.

Tonight was his first night back at County, truth be told he hadn't been able to take himself back there since he had been discharged. It just seemed to be too painful when even thinking about it, but it was time that he got back to work, he needed to make a living for his girls and right now County was his place of employment. Finding another job in Chicago would be hard enough if he left, especially after all the bridges he had burned the first time. He knew he was lucky to have this job at all.

He got off the EL now, not wanting to drive, he could have taken the jeep but it just didn't seem right to do. He didn't trust himself behind the wheel of a car right now, something inside him told him that just wasn't a safe thing to do. He stood now looking at the intersection where it happened, where he had been told that it had happened. Some memories just didn't want to return, maybe he was forcing them to hard, or it just wasn't meant to be, that his mind didn't want him to remember the most horrific moment in his life.

There was just a sinking feeling in his gut, followed by extreme sadness, he couldn't remember the accident, he didn't remember them being hit, and all he remembered was waking up to Carol being gone. But that was more than enough to remember, those feeling alone were enough to bring tears to his eyes.

Slowly he made his way closer to those ambulance bay doors, his mind wandering now was this the way his gurney came, he needed to be strong and not think about that but something inside him was taking over him. He pushed himself too hard sometimes but when it came to something that needed to be done Doug was not about to let anyone down.

He made his way to the lounge forcing what tears were there to stop falling now wasn't the time for this, but there it was hitting him between the eyes with the force of a two-by-four a picture of Mark and Carol taken one Christmas hanging by the coffee cups. "God I shouldn't be doing this. It's to early for me to be working, I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" Susan said as she entered into the lounge to get a cup of coffee before she realized that Doug had been in there talking to himself.

"Nothing." He said his voice flat, lacking any emotion now. He and Susan were good friends, nothing ever more than friends but they were none the less good friends. They had joked around when he was at County the first time, he a fellow and she a resident. They had become good friends, with one friend in common and that was Mark. She had nicknamed him Dr. Intercom, most because when it came to keeping secretes, Doug wasn't very good at it.

"First day back?" Susan was well aware of the fact that it was his first day back, after all she was Chief of the ER now and it was her job to make sure it was staffed, she had worried about him coming back after only 6 weeks but when he asked her to put him back on the schedule, Susan knew better than to ask Doug a million questions. He wasn't on to talk about things like that.

"Yeah Chief." He said as he quickly got into his locker putting his things in there grabbing his lab coat and stethoscope before closing, "but don't you worry any I'm at the top of my game." He shot her a classic Doug wink so that she'd think all was well even if it wasn't. "I can take on whatever Chicago has to offer tonight."

"I know you can, but still take it easy would ya tiger, for my peace of mind." She said with a smile on her face, "It would look bad if you saved all of Chicago and I did nothing tonight."

"Got it boss." He grinned at her knowing that was Susan's way of saying she was worried about him with out actually saying that she was.

"Helen have the girls tonight?" Susan asked now as she filled up her coffee cup, the board was fairly slow right now and she needed a java jolt to help get her through the long night.

"Yeah they like staying over there." He said, "I think they missed grandma while we were away, it's nice that they can spend time with her now."

"That's good." She said, not wanting to ask but doing so anyway. "Are they doing okay?" She would keep the conversation away from him and he was doing just for Doug's sake, but she knew he would talk about his girls they were his entire world.

"Tess seems to be." Doug said, "but she was always the stronger of the two. Takes more after me than her…" he paused for a minute, "her mother." He didn't realize just how hard it would be to talk about Carol when talking about his girls, "Kate is having nightmares, but I think she'll be okay in time, it's just been hard on them."

Susan knew it had been hard on all of them. "Well I guess we'd better get out there before everyone and there dog decides tonight is the night to visit our lovely hospital." She hadn't meant to lead him into a painful conversation but at least she could use them needing to save the sick as an excuse, "I'll flip you for the drunk bum in five with maggots."

"Oh no dear chief see this is where I get to say, I'm not a grown up doctor, and a drunk bum that's a grown up." He smiled as he said it. "That's what you get when you hire a pediatrician."

"Ah so true." She said, "and here I thought I was going to be able to get out of it by saying I'm the boss you're the minion get to work."

"Not this time, unfortunately if you want to do that, you will need to find some poor schmuck of a resident to pass your lovely maggot invested bum upon, but me my dear I'm off to save the little people."

"I'll remember that one Doug and the next little person that walks through the door, is all yours." She smiled as they headed out towards the admit desk.

"Ahh the sound of a child in pain music to my ears." He said sarcastically when they reached the admit desk. "And when I say little people my dearest Susan, anything under eighteen I will treat, unless of course you need help with a nice trauma."

"Thanks Doug, leave the dirty work to me and you get to come in for the glorified save, that's a man for you." Susan poked back at him as she picked up a chart.

"Yes sir that's me, here to serve." He took his chart and headed off to work.

Susan just watched him go off, she knew that tonight was going to be hard on him but Doug no matter what wouldn't say anything to anyone if he got in over his head, part of his personality, while you could always count on Doug if you needed something, he would very seldom ever come to anyone when he needed help. He was the strong one and wanted to keep it that way.


	9. Close my eyes and jump

_A/N: I am on break from school right now so I am working on getting my stories updated. Sorry for leaving everyone in limbo for so long. Please as always read and review, your comments are always welcome._**  
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**Chapter 9: Close your eyes and jump**

Abby had been watching them, Doug would come and Carter would instantly go the other way. If Doug was at the admit desk Carter would find something else that he needed to do. The first night she didn't think anything of it, but when it went on for nearly a week Abby had to wonder what exactly was going on with Carter, it wasn't like him to completely avoid a friend. And she thought that's what Doug and Carter were, friends.

"Hey you." Abby said as she walked up behind Carter now, "I was going to go and grab something to eat; you want to come with me?"

"Going alone?" He asked with a soft smile putting his arms around her waist.

"I was thinking of seeing if Doug wanted to get something to eat, ya know, he's looking a little on the thin side." She said her arms going around him now but Carter pulled back away from her.

"I can't right now." He said his tune suddenly changed and not for the better.

"Why not?" She asked.

"I just remembered that I have a lot to do, why don't you take Doug feed him and you and I can get together later."

That was not the answer that she was expecting from Carter and she knew that there was more to this than what was meeting the eye.

Carter noticed that Abby had given him that look, "no really I have a patient that I need to finish up before I can go for food, don't worry." He kissed her forehead, but Abby could see right through that, Carter might have been good, but he wasn't that good.

"No I can wait for you." She said with a smile, "I can even give you a hand if you want."

"Abby," Carter said looking at her now with intent eyes, "I am going to be awhile I don't need a hand, I can do this myself." His tone with her was harsher than he wanted it to be. But right now he just didn't want to go.

"Okay," Abby said taking a step back. "I'll see you in a little bit, I'm going to go and get something to eat. I think you should come and get something too you seem a little bit testy there Doctor, won't be good for your patients."

"Abby I am fine."

She was silent for a minute as she compiled her thoughts, the way that she needed to voice this. There was something about the way that he was acting that wasn't sitting well with her. "Come on we are going to grab a cup of coffee." She said pulling on him now, "don't worry just the two of us."

Carter reluctantly followed, not that he wanted to but he really didn't have much of a chance to protest and when Abby got into one of these moods it was better just to go to with the flow.

She drug him outside and over getting coffee from Manning, granted it wasn't the best coffee, but hey it was better than what they could find in the lounge and then she drug him over to a bench indicating to him that she wanted him to sit down handing over a cup to him.

Carter sat down and his eyes avoiding making contact with hers. He had this feeling of what she was up to but just didn't really feel like doing it.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on?" Abby asked looking over at him.

"There's nothing going on, I was just busy."

"That's not the answer that I was going for John." She said, "something is bothering you and you need to talk about it."

"There's nothing that I need to talk about." Carter wasn't sure why he was being so resistant about this but he just didn't want to get into this right now.

"No there's something John, you can tell by the way that you act, the way that you instantly changed your mind when I told you that I was bringing Doug to have lunch with us. What's going on with that, one would think that you were trying to avoid him at all cost."

"And if I was?"

"Carter there has to be a reason, you've worked with Doug for a long time, and you're his friend why all of a sudden are you afraid to be around him?"

Carter wasn't sure if he wanted to answer that, there was a reason but it wasn't something that he just wanted to jump right into with her, not right now. This wasn't the place that he wanted to have that kind of conversation with her out in the open. "Do we have to talk about this right now Abby?"

"Yeah we do." She didn't want to let him off the hook. She had this feeling that if she didn't do this now, if she didn't make him talk now, that she wouldn't get him to talk at all.

"I have things that I need to do right now; this isn't the time nor the place to have this conversation." He started to stand up.

Abby put her hand on his shoulder pushing him back down. "Try Carter."

"It's complicated."

"Carter everything in life is complicated." That was Abby's subtle response to that.

Carter sighed as he looked over at him, "you'll think it's stupid and say that I shouldn't feel that way."

"No I will not." Abby said, "you're feelings are valid no matter what they are."

Carter leaned back against the back of the bench before saying anything. Trying to compile his thoughts that he wanted to tell her. Trying to grab what thoughts where floating around in there and organize them into something that would make sense. "I can't understand the pain that Doug has to be going through," Carter said his words slow as he worked to get this out, "when I see him, all I see is this immense amount of pain. And when I think about it, I can't imagine what I would do if that had been us, if you weren't here anymore." He looked down now as he spoke, "Seeing that happen to them, to two people who have fought so hard to be together had a family and where finally in a place where they were happy and it to be all gone, it just breaks my heart. Carol turned him around and well I think you have done the same for me, you've given me direction and mean so much to me I don't want to… I'm afraid that… I love you and don't want to live without you ever."

Abby wasn't sure what to say to that, it did make sense and she didn't know what the right words were to respond to that. There had to be something that would be the right thing to say. Finally after a few minutes she found them, "No John," her voice was soft with him right now, "that makes more sense than you know. I would tell you that I am not going anywhere, but that's a promise that I can't make. But as long as I am here I will be right here. We can't think about those fears or we would never be able to step outside our own front doors. In our jobs we deal with the worst that mankind can do to each other… but we have each other and that's all we can hope to always have."

She leaned over and gave him a hug, "I know that this has been hard on everyone. But it time things will get back to some sense of normal for all of us. Doug has his girls to focus on, and having that will help him to keep going with life. We never forget the pain that we feel but we learn to deal with it a little bit better and it goes from the front of our minds more to the back of them, it's always there, just not as strong and not as raw. We need to be there and help him the best that we can. We can't ease or take away his pain, but we can be supportive and make sure that he has what he needs to make the transition easier."

They sat in silence now as they drank their coffee, occasionally looking at each other saying small things. Abby leaned her head on his shoulder, they stayed there for a few more minutes longer before the silence was broken by the sounds of ambulance sirens going off, music to a doctors ears. They got up and moved to get back to work.


End file.
